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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.