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Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
can’t talk my ride’s here
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so