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The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.