You Might Also Like
Here to help
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.