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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God