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i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
At ease
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end