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I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Planet of the Apps.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER