You Might Also Like
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?