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A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Wait a minute…
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*