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Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me sliding into hell like
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended