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Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
BRO LMFAO
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌