You Might Also Like
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless