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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
@ candidates for local office
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”