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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
good morning
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life