11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
this chia pet tastes awful
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.