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[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
i smell a pulitzer
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.