You Might Also Like
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I have no passwords left in me
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face