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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Aight bet
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them