You Might Also Like
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Stonehinge
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones