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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means