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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.