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If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species