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Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.