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me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Look Ma, no handle on things
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
It be like that sometimes 😆
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.