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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair