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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Oh boy, $150,000!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble