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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep