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Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.