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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Basically.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me too 😆
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.