You Might Also Like
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.