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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My dog ate my work from home.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
