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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
*jazz hands*
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.