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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
weaknesses
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.