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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
How is it still this week?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Bartenders are just boneless bars