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Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.