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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I鈥檓 gonna respond with: you think that鈥檚 bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
The goose: Canada鈥檚 most violent saxophone.
The key to being remembered isn鈥檛 delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
My therapist after every session
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 饾槍饾槤饾槍饾槞饾槧饾槢饾槒饾槓饾槙饾槑 all up
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn鈥檛 trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touch茅…*mouth full of fries* touch茅.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world鈥檚 bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I鈥檒l clean my room