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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.