You Might Also Like
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I only say stupid things when I talk.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.