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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Okay me first
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
