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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven