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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
listen closely
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
i hate you platonically
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.