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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
What the hell is going on?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
this is so top tier i cant
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do