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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
A male goth is called a broth.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!