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My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?