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You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Banana is the quietest snack
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!