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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!