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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Death certificates are our last participation award.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about