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Me, reading some of your tweets
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you