[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
You Might Also Like
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah