*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
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“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
When you don’t understand how floors work
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”